


Fallible

by deathwailart



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anxiety, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Isolation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-29
Updated: 2014-07-29
Packaged: 2018-02-11 00:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2045376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathwailart/pseuds/deathwailart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world only gets to see the face Shannon puts on.  They don't get to see how she really is on the inside.</p>
<p>Written for the 30 day drabble challenge: fallible</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fallible

There's a sort of uneasiness that always upsets her stomach most days. Something that makes her wake with a start as though she's just heard the howl of a wolf or the low laughter of Darkspawn, that is if she's actually slept properly. She dreads picking up the letters on her desk in the morning or when she comes back and there are too many days when she delays returning home as long as possible because there's too much bad that happens when she drags herself in. Or whenever someone mentions a job or helping out somewhere as she remembers her mother's words.  
  
Your fault. _Your_ fault. Always your fault you didn't stop her.  
  
She makes jokes at the wrong time because there's not much else she can do. She shies away when Anders tries to get her involved beyond anything that's just helping out someone in a terrible situation because she has her own fears, about being captured and bad made tranquil, about suffering the way people suffer in the Circle, especially here. She has nightmares and breaks out in cold sweats and lies awake with her heart racing if she actually manages to wake up from the nightmare instead of thrashing as something gives chase, something she looks for in the darkest corners of her room. She's selfish about wanting Isabela to actually live with her so she has someone to wake up with but that isn't fair, to try to fob all her problems off when Isabela has those of her own and she understands that need to have a part of your life and some time that's just for you.  
  
But it's hard to remember when the walls feel like they're closing in all around her and she has to sit and breathe slowly with her head between her knees, cold sweat on the back of her neck and on her palms.  
  
At least she has her dog who is steady and solid even if she knows he doesn't understand why she's like this. There was always tension and worry before but now it's just a familiar pattern: something is after her and she's not safe, she should have done something (why didn't you stop her, why didn't you save her, why wasn't it _you_ and not her) and it always settles with it being her fault. No one sees it though. Not Orana when she checks in and tells her that wouldn't you like to get some sunshine? Go for a stroll because you can? When she asks Bodahn and Sandal about their time with the Grey Warden and wondering if her relative was ever like this but she chose that, didn't she? She chose and Shannon didn't and that makes all the difference in the world. She fumbles through with her friends whenever they need help because she doesn't want them to feel like this and the thing is that they don't know. They never know. She smiles and makes jokes, she throws spells and fights whatever comes at them and wonders why she can't do this with whatever is in her own head.  
  
No one sees past the laugh and the bad jokes, the robes and the magic at her fingertips, sometimes not even Isabela.  
  
She should know how to deal with this, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Being an anxiety sufferer who just finished counselling, I felt like having one of my Hawkes deal with it - a lot of the thought process etc is really pretty personal but it felt good to just get it out there.


End file.
